1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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