U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
