I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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