If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
