Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
All I want is dick and wine.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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