Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
