Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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