You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.