Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.