So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
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My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.