I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
