Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
