I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
