So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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