what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
