If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
