Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"