A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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