i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
