Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
