he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
