She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
