Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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