Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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