Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
