i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
