i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
