My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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