If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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