i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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