I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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