a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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