i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
