my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
All I want is dick and wine.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
