I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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