I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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