Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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