I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
