Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
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