Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
