I hate all girls vehemently.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
