On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
