dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
