I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.