I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is