mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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