I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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