The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
FUCK WHALES
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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