I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
