my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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