No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
