I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
