i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
