I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
