What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You are the jesus of drinking
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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