It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
