The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
