Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
