Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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