Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
