This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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