I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
