I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
